| Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said, 'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?' 'Why?' Paddy asked. 'Because', said Mick 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.' Mick said, 'Silly buggers - the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday!!' --------------- There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' ---------- Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a Mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think ¤5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic? ---------- One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mick noticed a priest who stepped on to the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the fourth race. Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot -- won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mick watched the old priest step on to the track. Sure enough, as the horses came to the starting-gate for the fifth race the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mick made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mick collected his winnings and waited anxiously to see which horse the priest would bless for the sixth race. Again, the priest blessed a horse. Again, Mick placed a big bet and it won. Mick was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long-shot horses and each one came in first. Soon Mick was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped on to the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mick noticed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mick knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on that horse. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in last. Mick, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was still standing. Confronting him he demanded: "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and dey all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, t'anks to you, I've lost all of my savings, everyt'ing!" With much sympathy, the priest nodded and said: "Son, dat's the problem wit' you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites". |