| - 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
- 2. Beer stains wash out.
- 3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
- 4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
- 5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
- 6. Beer is never late.
- 7. HANGOVERS go away.
- 8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
- 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
- 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
- 11. Beer never has a headache.
- 12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
- 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
- 14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
- 15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
- 16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
- 17. You can share a beer with your friends.
- 18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
- 19. A beer is always wet.
- 20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
- 21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
- 22. You can have a beer in public.
- 23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
- 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
- 25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
- 26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
- 27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
- 28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
- 29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
- 30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
- 31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
- 32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
- 33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
- 34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
- 35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
- 36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
- 37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
- 38. Beer doesn't have morals.
- 39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
- 40. Beer always listens and never argues.
- 41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
- 42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
- 43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
- 44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
- 45. Beer is never overweight.
- 46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
- 47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
- 48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
- 49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
- 50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
- 51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
- 52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
- 53. Beer never changes its mind.
- 54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
- 55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
- 56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
- 57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
- 58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
- 59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
- 60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
- 61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
- 62. Beer NEVER says no.
- 63. Beer is easy to get into.
- 64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
- 65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
- 66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
- 67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
- 68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
- 69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
- 70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
- 71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
- 72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
- 73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
- 74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
- 75. A beer won't make you go to church.
- 76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
- 77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
- 78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
- 79. A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
- 80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
- 81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
- 82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
- 83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
- 84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
- 85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
- 86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
- 87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
- 88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
- 89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
- 90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
- 91. A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the
- 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
- 92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
- 93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
- 94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
- 95. Beer tastes *good*.
- 96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
- 97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
- 98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
- 99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
- 100. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the beer won't accuse you of it.
- 101. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
- 102. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
- 103. A beer will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
- 104. A beer will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
- 105. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
- 106. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
- 107. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill.
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